Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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