I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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