i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
