I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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