The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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