Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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