the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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