He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
false alarm, still single
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
