What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
