I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
