i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
