So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
