My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
