you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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