If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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