You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
