i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I met the friendliest cop last night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
