I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
