Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I puked a lego.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
