I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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