I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
