This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
