between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
