I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
