so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
