I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
