he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I didn't notice because vodka
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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