Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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