Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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