lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
