Where is the hickey?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
