i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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