What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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