My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
