Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize