My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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