the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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