No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
