Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
