If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
