I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
