its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Drunk is not a location!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
