The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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