We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
