I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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