my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
