i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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