Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
