i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
