just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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