Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
