Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
