I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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