then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
