You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
