Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
