I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
