i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
