I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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