I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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