The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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