I am midnight drunk by noon
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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