Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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