dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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