Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Cover your peen. We're going out.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
