Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
